“My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior," Luke 1:47
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"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I wIll fear no evIl, for you are wIth me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalms 23:4
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In the midst of the joys of the holiday season our world was rocked with two vastly different bits of news.
On Sunday, December 9th in the early morning hours we took our first ever positive pregnancy test. We were shocked and elated, after nearly 5 years of infertility. Naturally we couldn't wait to share our news with our immediate family. Over the next 2 days the tests grew even darker, and on Wednesday, December 13th the blood test confirmed the news that we were indeed PREGNANT! Elated, we quickly shared our happy news with all the many people that had been walking this journey through infertility and embryo adoption. Over the next few days I couldn't help but still feel unease as we had to still had yet another blood draw two days later (to be sure the level had increased). In our marriage, I'm the "realist" (or "pessimist" if you prefer) and Jeremy is the optimist. He couldn't wait to hear the good news on Friday and had all sorts of confidence, while I was texting him the morning of the test about my anxiety that the levels may not have increased.
I had the blood work taken, then proceeded to have as normal a day as I possibly could, while waiting. As my daughter was playing (in a packed local indoor play space) I received the most devastating news. My beta levels had dropped by half, we were going to have a miscarriage. There I sat, holding little man (our 3 month foster son) while my daughter busily ran about while asking for my help. In a blur I packed up all our crap as fast as I could and climbed into the car. Numb.
Then I called my husband. This is never the news you want to share over the phone. He was floored. He still had to make the drive home from work, and I had both kids to get home for a feeding and nap time (honestly, a good distraction). Next I called my mom, and in between sobs was able to convey our news. Even though at lunch with a dear friend, she dropped everything and rushed over to sob, hold, and be in pain with me.
That evening both my parents and my youngest sister hung out. They sat with us, cried with us, laughed with us, and provided the food. Friends brought gifts and over the next few days, loved, texted, and prayed over us, and support has continued to flood in. We couldn't be more grateful for the community the Lord has surrounded us with. Although we never would have imagined this would be the outcome, we know OUR GOD is GOOD. We know we are not alone.
I find myself feeling a strange peace come over me. I think about the women in the bible who share my struggle. Infertility is not hidden in the Bible, and for that I am grateful. I see women who cry out to our Lord to fulfill the longing of their hearts, and the outcome (although often a baby) isn't immediate and probably not quite to their liking. Instead they cried out, and then sat and waiting on the Lord of fulfill. And when they didn't (such as using their servant instead) the result was catastrophic.
Our journey, if anything has opened the doors to share suffering with others and let others be included our own suffering. We have had more Christ conversations around this subject then we could have imagined, and it has opened the door to walk vulnerably with so many. Even the embryo adoption process (which in many ways we feel as though we're failing at) has brought a real issued in our culture today to the forefront of many peoples minds. So many people have told us "I didn't even know that was a thing!" Our prayer is that these conversations would continue. Although we hope our "infertility story" will one day end, we are also well aware that plans don't often go the way we had planned. So we will sit and wait, while still striving to be faithful to fulfill the Lord's calling - to make disciples. May the Lord continue to use us.
